Heavy Heart & Pretty Colors.

There are many things I should be doing right now; starting my speech, doing homework, writing my “everything’s fine-hmk” entry, cleaning my room, but my mind is cluttered and my heart is full with heaviness. Plus I figured writing here has always managed to help me before so why not see if it’ll help again.

These past few months have been hard ones, my Grandmother was sick for 4 months and though it seemed like she was getting better, she didn't. She passed away on the 23^rd of February and I accepted it when it happened because I knew it was coming, of course I cried when it happened but I still accepted it. This past weekend we had her funeral services and I lost it, I don’t know if this is part of the grieving process but my heart is broken and what’s left of it is heavy. I keep thinking about her and it hurts because she was always that crazy lady speeding away in her little red Chevy HHR, the lady always going to the casino, the lady always jamming out to all kinds of music, that lady who was nice to everyone; she was that lady who truly enjoyed life, having 66 right around the corner. She was the lady who was there for everyone when they needed someone, whether it was a couple of bucks, a place to sleep for the night, a ride to the store, a meal to eat or an ear to listen and now she’s gone. It hurts to no end and I can’t help but break down at random times, I can’t even begin to imagine how my mom feels, obviously it’s a hundred times worse.

3.3.2013; Coolidge, AZ

I think I skipped the grieving phase and went straight to the acceptance stage and maybe that’s why it hurts so much. Maybe I went from acceptance to denial to grieving and maybe that’s why my body feels so drained. I really don’t know.

My Nana passed away when I was 6 years old and although I know it was painful, I don’t remember my grieving process. My Grandpa passed away when I was 11 and that hurt as well but again, I don’t remember the grieving process. My Tata passed away when I was 18 and that hurt so much, especially because I couldn't be there and I hadn't seen him for so long, I do remember that grieving process very well because it happened my freshman year at NAU while I was at campus. And now at 21 years old, I lost my Grandma.

Maybe that’s why it’s so painful as well, she was my last living grandparent, and she was always around. But despite the pain, I know she is healthy and happy now, she is at peace and no longer suffering. She was a women who owned tshirts of many colors and last night I saw this sunset and thought of her and this crazy tie dye tshirt she has and I smiled, I'm about 99.9% sure she helped with the assistance of this beautiful sunset. I can only hope she knows how much we love and miss her and I can only pray for strength for my family and I to accept this and not so much, move on but to be stronger people, I guess.

Thank you for allowing me to vent, it means a lot.

Infinite x’s and o’s,

alicia.

P.S.

This morning my mom and I were sitting in my Grandma's car listening to her CDs. This song came on from a CD labeled "Pat's Jams" and since I really dig CCR, I thought I'd post this. I know what the song is about but just get lost within it anyway.