three years.

Three years ago, I made a promise to myself. A promise that I vowed I would never break from that day forward. I promised myself that though I will experience bad days and tough times, I would not allow the weight of living to bring me down. I promised myself that no matter how weak or alone I felt, I would not succumb to the demands of self hate.

Today marks the three year anniversary of the day I promised myself that I would no longer self harm. I have been on this road to recovery for three years, that’s roughly 1,096 days. I’m not going to sugar coat this for you, this road has been really tough, and there have been days where I thought I would fall. There have been days where I thought I wasn’t strong enough to keep on going but here I am, three years later, three years cut free. Sure, I still have bad days, and I still have moments where I do feel alone; moments where I feel weak and worthless. I’m human, those days are inevitable but the difference between those days then and those days now is the fact that I am stronger.

I am braver.

I am still battling.

But I am alive.

There’s this part in Christina Perri’s new song, “I Believe” where she says “This is not the end of me, this is the beginning.”  Ending my struggle with self harm was not the end of me, even if it felt like it at the time. I would find that I would have to figure out new ways to cope with my battles but that’s the beauty of beginnings, the fact that there are discoveries to be made.

“I Believe” in its entirety is a truly powerful song. I believe, (no pun intended), this song allows you to grasps onto a new meaning of the well known cliché, everything happens for a reason. I know most people won’t agree with this but maybe we are meant to experience these battles of life in order to help someone else down the road. Maybe I was meant to fight this fight in order to tell you that no, life is not easy; we will fall, we will break down emotionally, we will doubt ourselves a countless amount of times but it does and will get better.

My battle plays a large part in my life, but it does not define me. My scars are there on display, though most are faded, but they do not determine who I am going to be for the rest of my life and neither does yours. If there is one thing that you take from this, let it be that you and I are strong and just as worthy of this life we are living and the life we desire as the next person is. You and I are nothing less than amazing and we were both meant to do amazing things in this world, right now we just have to get over this waiting game of figuring out what that may be. That being said, let’s remember that we are human and though bad days will begin, they will also end. Life is one hard but beautiful journey.

xo,

alicia