Sometimes, life is mean. Man, I really couldn't have sounded more cliche then I did right there within those four words and there will be more soon, like now. (->) People say, good things come to those who wait but exactly how long is this wait? If you're reading this to find some inspiring piece of happiness, you won't be finding it today. Maybe later or maybe tomorrow but definitely not today. Today, I'm a little bit more than bummed and frustrated with the world. I'm writing for me today, if you don't like it, you can go.
4 years ago, I was an 18 year old high school senior ready to graduate, ready to embark on my new journey to Northern Arizona University which was four hours away from everyone I knew. I was more than stoked to begin this chapter in my life, because I knew 4 years from then I'd be graduating from NAU as a Psychologist. I was a fool for thinking this would be easy. My first semester there, I fell in love with the environment, the campus, the people, everything about that place I loved. But of course it is me being happy for once, so something had to happen. Financial Aid lost my paperwork and was unable to pay my tuition the week I was supposed to enroll in Spring classes. By the time they found what they needed and everything was paid off, the classes I needed (and pretty much everything else) was full. I was forced to go back home and deal with that. Ever since then, the dorms filled up quickly forcing me to find an apartment that was out of my reach. Flagstaff is one of the most expensive college towns, a studio alone (or the one I found) was $900 a month.
I couldn't afford that then and won't be able to afford it now, I've been stuck back in Eloy busting my butt taking online courses, basically teaching myself and no one sees that. I feel like everywhere I go, whether it's to support my sisters in band performances or softball games (I mean, I'm home so why not go?) I am getting judged. I feel this way because I've heard the talk myself. One stuck up old hag even came up to me and asked me, "Oh, so you couldn't make up there after all? My daughter is doing just fine." The fact that people are actually saying this to me and about me (and I'm sure worse is being said) frustrates the hell out of me.
None of you know my story of what happened, you don't know that everything that happened wasn't even my fault. You don't know that I am here because, financially that's whats best. You don't know that I hate being here and seeing you people more than anything in this world, I don't owe you an explanation but here I am giving you one because I am tired. I am tired of everything being said about myself.
I did NOT stay here for a boy.
I did NOT stay here because I was homesick.
I did NOT stay here because I am incapable of surviving without a familiar face.
I did NOT stay here because I decided NAU was unfit for me.
And in case you're wondering
I DID NOT DROP OUT.
I'm sure there is more being said but I'm done caring. I'm done pasting a sarcastic smile and I'm done being sincere on this subject and your tasteless jokes on my failures.
I am trying my best to succeed in life and make the best out of a shit situation. Sometimes my stress is so bad that I do want to drop out, yeah I've taken semesters off and changed my major 5 times, because of that one whole year of classes doesn't even count for me, yeah I really want to drop out. But I'm not going to let the one good thing I have to look forward to at the end of this storm bring me down just because it's raining too hard. I'm busting my butt at a job where I am not appreciated and am brought down every day that I'm there and I will not be spending the rest of my life there.
Thursday and Friday were 2013 NAU Graduations, I was supposed be amongst those students graduating and it just hurts to know that thanks to everything, that's not happening. Sometimes I feel like giving up because I want to take the easy way out. But then I think about how much I hate my job and how much I love writing and then I remember that one day, all these tears, all these headaches, all this stress and acne breakouts will be worth it because when it is my turn to graduate, I'll be graduating with two degrees, not one.
I just needed to rant. If you continued reading and don't think any less of me, thank you. If you continued reading and you think I am a whole list of negative bs, thank you. If you didn't continue reading, well I understand but you didn't make it far enough to see that.
xoxo,
alicia.
ps. This song is for everyone who thinks they know what's going on.
(But mostly Fuck You.)
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