Today, I started off my day a little rough. I didn't hear my alarm and ended up oversleeping. When I realized what time it was, I rushed to get ready for work and luckily arrived on time but I was feeling a little insecure about my appearance. Add a whole lot of "my anxiety is acting up" to the mix and you get a not so fun day.
I've been pretty open about my issues I deal with in life here because I believe somehow, someway, my story can help someone who is also struggling. As you know I dealt with self harm on and off for four years and though I've been two and a half years cut free, I am still in recovery. Unfortunately, anxiety comes with that territory. Because of what I've dealt with in my past pre-recovery, I now get overly anxious when times get to be too much. My brain tends to pick and pick at things that shouldn't even matter which causes me to break down emotionally and roday was no exception.
Today, along with my insecurities, I began to think about stuff that has happened over the past week. Things have changed; some good, some not so good and some I'm still trying to figure out. We all overthink things and blow them way out of proportion, it's normal, we're only human but today was different than the usual "mind wandering" times. In the act of innocently daydreaming about what's going on in my life, anxiety decided to crash the party. It got so bad that within the last hour of work, not only did I get really nauseous and have my body heat up but I also started shaking. The second I walked in my bedroom door, I broke down and started crying. I then began to over analyze everything that was going on and started imagining the worst case scenarios and truly believed it was going to happen. Whether these feelings are what my heart and head really believe about certain topics, I won't know for sure but what I do know is that anxiety attacks are no tea party.
People don't realize that people with anxiety issues struggle more than the average person. Sure, we seem happy and put together on the outside but there is so much more going on than we'll ever know. People believe that advertising the fact that you have anxiety, depression and/or are going through or went through self harm is something said for attention but in most cases it is not. I can see the side where you would want to believe that because there are some shit people out there who really do it for attention however there is a small amount of people who advertise it as a way to be someone's crutch because we survived and know it gets better. We know how it feels to feel so alone to the point where you begin to believe you have nothing to live for. Those of us in recovery aren't afraid to share our stories because we know pain and we want to prevent others experiencing that demon to the best of our abilities. We want nothing more than to make someone who believes that they are unworthy of life smile, we want them to feel love. Someone who is truly suffering from anything keeps quiet about it because they are embarrassed and ashamed of what they've become, that's how I know the difference of who is doing it for attention. Don't put us all in the same fish bowl when you don't know half of the story.
I'm happy for the most part. I have my family, friends, boyfriend and a job. I may or may not lose friends along the way and maybe my relationship won't last or maybe it will but in the end I have to learn to not dwell so much on those things and live for now. I need to stop focusing so much on all the bad things that could potentially happen and start focusing on all the beauty in my life that's happening right in front of me. For those of you who are on similar roads as I am, I want you to know that I am here when times get tough and even though you might be feeling useless and alone, I love you. Maybe we're just having an off day or maybe it's not meant to be but we have to remember that we are strong, we are beautiful/handsome, we are healthy and we are meant to accomplish amazing things. We are nothing less than perfect and are just as worthy of this life we are living and the life we desire as much as the next person is, so stop believing otherwise. Things do get better, this isn't an everyday thing, remember it's just a bad day not a bad life. Yes, I started off my day horribly but if this post does nothing for anyone atleast I know that I helped myself in the process because I was not only able to vent but I was able to lift a weight off my shoulder by expressing what I feel. Thanks for reading and remember if you ever need an ear, I'm always available via email. Stay strong because everything's fine; Tomorrow Will Be Kinder.
xo,
alicia.
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