everything's fine- be brave.

A year ago today I took a huge step out of my comfort zone and did something I never thought I would do in my lifetime; I got a tattoo. I’m sure most of you know that I have the words “everything’s fine” tattooed on my left wrist, why it’s placed there and why I chose those words you’ll never know. Well, until today; I decided with it being one year since I got the tattoo, it was time to share the story behind it, I’m a little nervous but I know it’s time to get this off my chest.

Life is full of obstacles; some are only slightly frustrating while others are more than you can handle, what do you do? You get up, dust off your knees and keep on keeping on, right? But what do you do when you find yourself broken and numb? You can dust yourself off and look fine on the outside but on the inside you’re numb and helpless. I know I tell you all the time that if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here and I’m sure you all judge me without knowing you are by saying “how would you understand” or “what makes you think you can help me” but I want you to know that I do know what it feels like to be ignored, to feel alone, to feel pain, I know what it feels like to think, “why me?” but I know for a fact that things get better and I am living proof of this. Yes, I still have bad days as does anyone else but trust me, these bad days are nothing compared to the bad days of my past.

When I was 16 years old, I stopped telling those I loved how I felt. I stopped sharing my feelings and put up a front. I smiled a fake smile and bottled up my feelings and I thought that things were better this way. I was fooled into believing that no one cared about me or what I was going through emotionally and one day, everything that I had bottled up was too much for me. The mind set I had going on at the moment didn’t help much either so I fell to my lowest point in my life and I cut myself.

I wish I could say that this was a onetime thing but unfortunately for me, this went on for years. I hid it well and no one including my family and friends new about it, at least to my knowledge. Eventually a few years after I decided to get help and it worked for awhile but later I was only left with a false sense of accomplishment because I knew once something came up I would fall back down again. I was truly lost during this time and I didn’t know what to do until the summer of 2011 when I discovered a band called The Summer Set.

During this time, The Summer Set was in the middle of promoting their new album, Everything’s Fine, which was scheduled to be released July 19, 2011. That summer particularly was a hard one for me, it just seemed like everything was going wrong for me, (if you were an avid follower of Music and Teacups back in 2011 you’ll understand what I mean) but thanks to The Summer Set, thing slowly got a tad bit more bearable. There were times where I felt like total shit and hated myself to no end, crying myself to sleep because I was miserable only to be lifted in my spirits of a small post this band wrote PROMOTING their album helped me. I probably sound like I am exaggerating and I probably am but the fact that they cared enough to turn their promotion into something more, means the world. I loved the fact that they would post entries about life, discussing hardships and telling their fans that “everything’s fine”.  My favorite of them all was a tweet stating “Everything’s Fine, I promise.”

I like to write on myself probably more than the average young adult (notice I didn’t say teenager) and my wrist was always a fun spot to write. Obviously, Everything’s Fine was something I often wrote and with it there I began to find the “everything’s fine” aspect of life, especially within my favorite songs. For example, my all time favorite band Streetlight Manifesto has a song called A Better Place, A Better Time and there’s this part in the chorus that says “and when you wake up, everything is gonna be fine, I guarantee that you’ll wake in a better place in a better time…” and then The Middle by Jimmy Eat World that says “It just takes some time little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride, everything, everything will be just fine”.

I know it might seem lame and just a little bit weird to you because it’s a mere two words. But those words mean everything and just a little bit more to me, those words helped me when I thought I couldn't be helped. Those words became something I told myself constantly, they became my own personal mantra and those two words will always be held dear to my heart because when I look down at my wrist I don’t see my scars, I see a battle I overcame. A week before my 21^st birthday, I went in and got my first tattoo placed on my left wrist right above my scars because my scars remind me of a place I once was, a place I don’t ever want to return to because in the end, everything’s fine and everything will be fine. If it’s not fine well it’s not the end. 

I’ll be 22 in 10 days and it’s insane to see how far I've come from that 16 year old sophomore in high school. It’s been a year and 9 months since the last time I self harmed and give it a few more months and I’ll be hitting the 2 year mark. I am definitely proud of myself for staying strong, I’m proud of the strength I've inherited along the way as well because I am a new me. I am a me that I never would have been without my battle and I know you, whoever you may be, whatever you endured and wherever you’re from, will overcome this battle that you are fighting. You will prove to yourself that you too, are strong and worthy of this life you’re living, you are beautiful, you are smart and you are nothing less than amazing.  You’re loved, I’m loved, and we’re all loved even if it doesn't seem like it when we’re feeling broken but if all else fails, just know that I love you and believe that you’ll do great things in this world. Don't ever let someone tell you that music doesn't save or music can't help you feel better because I am proof that it can and I know that there are others out there who feel the same way.
Thank you for reading and thank you for allowing me to share my story, as always I’m available via email, musicandteacups@gmail.com if you need me. Thanks again.

xoxo,

alicia.

"Maybe one day we'll fall short of the stories we tell but tonight we are more than just words on a page. We are here, we are different and we are everlasting. We are half moon kids and we are legendary..." -Maybe Tonight, The Summer Set