Back to square one...

It is the third night of November and I just don't know how to feel at this very moment. I mean it is the start of the holidays, near the end of the year and all I can think about is myself and the past.
I logged onto Facebook today and saw someone I didn't want to see. Facebook has been something that I used to not only keep in touch with people I haven't talked to for awhile, but for people I see on a regular basis, friends I left at NAU, and for some reason people who annoy the hell out of me. But even so, it has been a tad bit easy these past couple of months. People were still annoying, but I was semi okay with it.
Why? Because one person wasn't there. Today, even though I knew it was coming, Facebook isn't okay for me anymore. I don't want one person to be the reason why I can't go online anymore. I know that there are things happening but I don't want to know about it, I'd actually prefer not to acknowledge anything but that is easier said than done.
I despise this feeling, a feeling that makes me feel alone. I want to say that it feels as if I have nervous butterflies but that would imply that there is something when in reality there is nothing. I'm a hostage to this feeling, a victim of giving in. Why? Because for some reason my mind thought it knew what it was doing. Now my mind is so messed up I don't know what is right and what is wrong anymore. Not the perfect setting for the last full month of school yet I still give in to the late night thinking. I give in to the moments where I reminiscence and wish things were different but I have no one to blame but myself.
I need October back, I wish for March but I will settle with October. I am sure everyone has heard the saying "Life is what you make of it" but here's the thing, I am trying my absolute hardest to make my life what I want it to be; we don't always get what we want. Sometimes we end up sitting/ laying in our thoughts, overwhelmed by it all. Much like I am right now, but how do we overcome it? I feel like I always have advice for someone in need because I am always going through or may have went through something similar but this time I have nothing. There is so much more to me that no one but a handful of people will ever know or understand and honestly I am not ready to share that chapter of my life with you. Regardless of who knows and who doesn't, I don't want to rewrite that chapter again.
I am at a loss for words. -alicia.

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